Not One Day

My mother (a 47
year old Grandmother) asked me: "How has it felt to be a
Mother for 17 years?" With a smile on my face I replied: "Amazing!"Sure, many days I didn't think I'd last past noon let alone the end of the day. Nevertheless, the joy of being a mother is undoubtedly irreplaceable!

When I gave birth to Devohn at the young age of
14, I had no idea what I was in for. Or that I was a part of a good and perfect plan. Set up by GOD, to be an earth angel. I just prayed a prayer that I have never stop praying: "Lord use me as a mirror reflecting your love!" Remind you, I was 14! What did I know about being a mother? Nothing! Barely knew how to be a daughter! Yet, I knew to apply what I learned (from watching my mother and her mother), to my life and "roll with the punches." Not easy at all, but doable!

My three sons are the life in me living outside
of me! They are my mirrors. My attempt to love beyond myself, through test, trail and at times error. They are my faithful suns that shine when (even if) their moon is dark! I have not been easy to get along with. Of the 17 years I have been a mother, unbeknownst to me I spent 7 of them as a Depressed Narcoleptic with a severe case of denial from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The next 6 I spent focusing on ways to make life better! Not just my life...our lives! I can not tell you what they lived through. Those words will come from their testimonies. Or why GOD chose me to be a mother knowing the damage I would cause due to the damage childhood caused me. However HE did! And each day I live to see them smile at me, even if it's a smile that I have to poke out of them...I am blessed!

Now, read closely as
to not leave under the impression that things in my home are smiles and giggles everyday. Honeychild, there are not! I yell, cuss, scream and happen to be the only female energy in a house with male energy ages 17, 13, and 8 so, yeah the shit stank (excuse my french)! Nevertheless, we are here! The last 4 years of my life as a mother are so filled with smiles, first and foremost because I myself have been healed of some painful wounds. And secondly, because GOD uses my children to remind me daily that I am not perfect, but I am still here and that means more to them than anything!

I once posed
a question (just as my mother asked her child) to my children: "Am I a good mother?" I believe the best honesty comes from the mouths of babes! Devohn my oldest son twisted his locks and said: "Yes mom,

you've been incredible! We don't have everything we ever wanted, but no child needs that more than we need love and that's what you've given us!" I thought about his answer, realizing love is what I prayed to always be able to give them. He went on to say: "Mom, I know my life has been tough and I've had to go without, but honestly, I'm happy now! Besides, if it were not for those days in my life, I wouldn't be the man I am today." I looked over at him standing against the deep freezer glaring out of the window. He has a mustache, chin hair and I am no longer allowed inside the Doctor's office with him during his physical so, I'm sure he may know what it feels like to be a man...my heart
melted and again I knew in that moment I am blessed! "Thanks son!" I smiled! He
looked at me, smiled and asked "Why do you ask ma?" I shook my head no, more so to shake the tears away and to bring my voice out..."Just needed to know. I want to do right by y'all is all." "Well" he began again before leaping upstairs to his bedroom, "ask Tonio, see what he says."

"Ask
me
what?" Antonio, 13 now; but born with a mustache and a reason to believe he's in charge asks. "Mom wants to know if she's been a good mother." Devohn yells back from the top of the steps. Mr. Cool Boi

himself brushes his fresh fade with the palm of his right hand while pulling the refrigerator door open with the other says to me: "Momma, you're still here! No matter how tough it got you stayed! If you ask me, any mother who don't leave her kids is a good mother!" His words made me shake tears away too. He didn't use more breath on the matter than he thought it needed. He said what he had to say, smiled and asked if I had to go to work. "You need me to watch Ma'Jari? Will you cook some Macaroni before you leave?"


I didn't have to ask
Ma'Jari. One day after a counseling session. A very successful session might I add. GOD showed up and showed out! I'm talking breakthrough, deliverance and restoration! I was walking around the house that evening dancing, singing and smiling. Ma'Jari looked at me and asked: "Who are you and what have you done to my mommy?" When I asked him what he meant he smiled and hugged my hips and cried "This mommy sings again, she smiles! The old mommy was sad and cried a lot!" I knew in that moment life was better! I knew that no matter what happened I would not go back to the pain of childhood, and thereafter. I knew, having heard it from my sons...the mirrors GOD gave to me...that I was on the right path...I walk with purpose, sincere intentions and pure heart! Since I've asked my children this question we've had more trying days. Just this past July, my father passed! July 30, 2009 was one of the first times (in a long time) my children saw me cry! I could not shake those tears away. Antonio and Ma'Jari were there to comfort me. Devohn was on assignment as a Youth Counselor in California leading a Youth Worship Revival and touring Film Schools. I cried and rocked while laying on my chaise lounge chair and my young men rocked me and whispered "Mama don't cry...GOD is good, it's okay!"

I love what
GOD has done in my life. The pain of loosing my poppa was enough to shake me, but one day a few years ago, while dancing with Ma'Jari I promised to never go back to being sad all of the time again! And GOD

knows, I meant it! I allowed GOD to move in me so that I would feel what I needed to feel and I don't feel like crying anymore! Right now, I just feel like loving the fact that my oldest son turned 17 last week, my 13 year old son still has the sweetest cheek kiss and my 8 year old son still smiles when I smile! I am so excited to see what GOD has planned for us in our future/s!

"Being a mother hasn't always
been easy momma, but GOD made me an earth angel and I wouldn't change

anything. Not one day!"

be blessed!

Marie~Chante'