You ever get a feeling you're going the wrong way? Not necessarily because you are going in the wrong direction, but because someone else says the route you're
taking is wrong? The path you've chosen isn't the one they would have
chosen, thus your steps are incorrect? And lo and behold, although
you were once traveling the same beaten path, you now find yourself
on opposite sides of the road? Yea. I'm there.
Recently, I've found myself on the out skirts of my circle. Not something that
happened over night. I saw the signs and felt it coming. Asked
questions and expected honest answers from those I trusted to tell
the truth and knew in the end, I'd be standing woman first, however
seemingly alone. On a road I believe God led me down. Perhaps on the
opposite side of the street, however in the same direction. John
Coltrane said: "No road is an easy one, but they all go back to
GOD." I believe that. I also believe no matter what happens on
the journey, a sincere heart trumps end result. Not everyone agrees.
And I am okay with that. I love the reality of knowing we are all in
the same world, nevertheless we are individuals. This journey has
it's moments and I travel through life as I have since I was a
child...guided by a force greater than myself. Not childish in my
ways, simply by faith. Directed by dreams and what I believe to be
premonitions and common sense. The latter I'm not so sure I have a
lot of. Not that I don't have wisdom, just that in all my wisdom,
understanding sometimes elude me. Often times; I'm successful in my
footsteps, other times I get to a fork in the road thinking: "Where
am I and what am I doing here?" Nevertheless, once there (where
ever there is), I commit to the choice/s I've made. Knowing there is
a lesson to learn. And with all that is in me, I do my best to learn
so at best, I won't end up atthe same fork in the road. Having to
trod the same path. Thanking God so that I can pass the lesson on.
Experience is a great teacher and I've learned lessons learned that
you don't have to experience, are the best lessons!
In all that I've experienced in the last year, I think back to all the
dreams I can remember having, knowing I am right where I should be.
As I said, this did not happen over night. Still, I feel lost.
Questioning my Lord...'have I done something wrong?' 'if so, when and
where and how do I make it right?' I want so badly to be right,
because even when I wrong I know humility. Not that I have to
be right, just that I want what's right. I search myself for
answers I don't have in my own power. So, this too I give to my LORD.
I cry because it hurts to know, the very people whom once couldn't
see a flaw in me, now see me as enemy. Negative. Dark. Fake. I am not
perfect nor have I ever pretended to be. I looked in the mirror long
before I turned it around to be sure, I saw what I ask others to look
for. At the same time, I don't hide my wounds or lick them for the
sake of others to feel sorry for me. I am who I am. I know who I am
and I know who's I am. You like me today, will you love me tomorrow?
You love me tomorrow, please be sure you like me today.
Marie Chanté Flowers